so here it is, it's a bit long. But the thing over all is 25 pages and not nearly finished! So is it worth finishing?
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I walk to the ghostly lone park. I look towards the swings. And then I remember what I care to forget but most of all what I wish was here. Who I wish was here. I let out a slow gasp as I fall to my knees. %26quot;Caleb where are you” I silently say to the world. Oh how I miss his scent of Axe and sweat. His warm touch that could make me smile on the worst of days. The secret he shared to me on that hate filled night. How I yearn to kiss him, hug him, hold him just one more time.
I try and push back the pain of losing him. I push my self up. I feel like I’ve been hit in the stomach a thousand times. It starts raining heavily but I can’t help but mix my tears with the soggy rain. The storm comes harder without apologies. I sit down on the swing. Ignoring the weather I sit there, waiting for him to consume my mind. Even though I know he will not. I don’t dare go back home. I don’t dare leave. I try and picture his soft smiling face looking at me. But I can not. It is blocked with agony and pain. The pain of falling in love but the agony of being broken.
Warm salty tears stream down my face. Coating it raw and tender. The hole I feel in the middle of me grows severely. Taking control of my every emotion. I grip the swings chains crying harder. How my entire universe changed within that time. How much I miss him.
After a long couple hours I get off the cold wet swing. I move my legs even though I can’t feel them. I slowly walk home. I climb through my window and collapse onto my bed. I dream of nothing. Just a dark black hole that consumes me everyday. I dream it and I live it. Do I ever escape this torture I’ve been condemned to?
Soon I wake up to buzzing. My legs ache as I get up to grab my phone on my dresser across my room. My now dry jeans lay hard on my legs from the mud and rain that thickly cakes them. I grab my slick orange enV. A text message from Marissa sits blinking on my screen. I flip open the phone to read it;
“Get up now loser. And meet me at the mall ASAP. Kay bye.”
Exert from my book in progress?THAT'S AWESOME =D. You're a good writer. I reckon if you finished that it could get published. Except I wouldn't know what publishers want cuz I'm just an unpublished writer. I'd publish it if I was one.Exert from my book in progress?I think that you have a good amount of talent. If i may make a suggestion?
Heres just an example, totally random.
I went to bed and slept. When I woke up, I ate cheerios, and then sat on the couch. I watched some TV, then got up to relieve myself. I came back, and a commercial was on. It made me laugh.
Now that was a bit over-emphasized, but I think my point got across. Your's isn't nearly so bad, but I call it bluntness in a way. Be a little smoother in your transitions between details and different scenes. Describe the rain as it falls down her cheeks.
I'm 14, currently half way through my own novel, about 70 typed pages in. I think at 13 that was a very good quality passage.
The only one that can honestly give you the answer is you. Are you motivated to finish it? or do you even want to?
Its...difficult to keep yourself motivated. anyone whose written anything probably knows that.
Yes finish it if you feel inspired to do so. Its brilliant.Exert from my book in progress?Ultimately it depends who your audience is. If it's for you and perhaps the guy in the story then it's worth finishing as something to be said. If it's important to you and if you'll get some closure from finishing it then write the whole story but to be honest, it's unlikely to appeal to anyone else. There's nothing unique in this that draws me in to make me want to read more.
I also think it could benefit from improved punctuation. %26quot;Taking control of my every emotion.%26quot; is not a complete sentence.Exert from my book in progress?Well, this story has good bones, and is definitely worth finishing, but I don't think it's fulfilling its potential right now. You've got several fragmented sentences, and some of your adjectives/adverbs aren't used correctly. You also switch tenses, which should be avoided at all costs, unless you're switching between flashbacks and non-flashbacks or character POVs.
Also, the entire excerpt is rather melodramatic. I realize that the main character's heart has been ripped out, but I think that maybe you're overdoing it a little. But then again, I've never experienced that type of pain, so what do I know? Otherwise it's a great story, and I'd love to read the rest of it!
