...prevent myself from becoming someone I'm sick of?
This is a bit long, but please bear with me as I need some GOOD and THOUGHTFUL answers. Questions at the end paragraph.
I feel like I've been caged in chains and tried to free myself for years with no success. I'm 24, still sophomore at a college whose education is absolutely crap (because I dropped out 4x before), making no money because none of the jobs I went for lasted long enough, and having no hobbies because I feel guilty about doing the things I love (e.g. playing music, because it costs money and my parents will have to pay for them because I can't afford the expenses with my allowance).
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not a horrible person. Most people say that I am intelligent, competent, hard working, honest, kind, loving, and wise beyond my years. However, I have trouble in believing that because I have no achievements to show for it.
My mom dropped out of college too because she decided she wanted to be a full time mom and serve in the church. Which is great, because I learnt to love from her, but her life is empty and full of regrets. The reason why I don't respect her that much is because she isn't happy with herself, she thinks her marriage was a mistake, she isn't grateful for her life, and she gives me a guilt trip about everything that makes me happy. Nothing I do matters to her because she didn't get to do things that maximise her potential either. When I was younger I swore I was never going to be like her--I'd ace college, excel in my career, fulfill my potential and show the world what girl power is all about. And yet in my adulthood I've found that instead of becoming the woman I've always dreamt about, I'm turning into my mom.
I've a great dad who is faithful and responsible, but is very controlling, has trouble connecting emotionally with his loved ones, and mismanages family finances by overspending on impulse. I swore that I was never going to make the same mistakes he made or marry someone who's like that. And yet when I lead organizations or take charge of projects, I'm grossed out to find out that I operate exactly like my dad. I hope my boyfriend will not fail the same way my dad did, but at this point all the good things about him feel just like my dad.
A philosopher said that the five people closest to you will determine who you will become in five years time. I've traveled the world to pursue my own dreams and tuck myself under the wing of mentors who appeared to know better and show more success than my parents... only to find that they all wanted to take advantage of me somehow, and that they were exactly like my parents after all. It seems like I can't attract anybody who are not like my parents... and if they do exist, there's always somebody exactly like my parents standing in the way between me and them.
I've also found that if you judge your parents, you will end up marrying someone exactly like them and they will make your life hell. On those grounds, I've decided to make peace with my parents, hoping that my boyfriend won't end up becoming like them, and that I will start attracting better people who can effectively unleash my potential.
Please understand that I don't mean to judge my parents. I love them and know they love me too, but I simply want to learn from their mistakes. I hate being mocked by my own knowledge of the ideal, and yet being totally unable to act upon what I know because my guilt and emotional baggage have become greater than the strength I possess to break through.
Is it that difficult to excel in college and finish on time, find fulfilling jobs that pay enough to support myself and give me the satisfaction of unlocking my potential, and being able to enjoy hobbies guilt free? How do I act upon what I know is right without having to deny or repress my emotions? How can I turn this love-hate relationship with my parents into a constructive experience? How do I, instead of judging them, learn from their mistakes and save my future? And ultimately, if %26quot;becoming more of who I already am%26quot; is my only option, how do I tweak that so that I become more of a person I love instead of more of a person I despise and pass on the poison to my children?If %26quot;People never change, they only become more of who they are?%26quot; then how can I...?I am only in eighth grade but I will try to answer most of your questions.
1: I look at the idea of collage seriously and I believe that hobbies must be kept up. Your problems are as difficult as you make them. stop wriggling in the spiderweb or you'll get even more stuck; plan your whole way through your collage years.
2: Except your emotions. Explain to yourself how you know this is right and try to convince yourself.
3. This might sound mean, but if your parents give you a guilt trip give one back. You do not need to suffer.
4,5: Think over yourself with a clean head. What do you need to fix? Start small, like calling your parents more often.
Hope I helped.
